Tori Spark

elfinmoon, too

back again like a bad penny

Writer's Block: News development
Tori Spark
What's the first major news event that you remember hearing about as a child? Where did you learn about it? How did it impact your world view?

Have to say that for me, it was the day I stayed home from school with an earache and heard on the radio that President Kennedy had been shot. I went back to my room and cried and prayed that he'd be ok but we all know what happened after that. That was first grade for me.

This is life - HELLO!!!!
Tori Spark

I wasn't going to do this. I was going to just go on without saying anything. I was planning to pretend this really didn't happen and nothing needed to be done about it.


Saturday night, September 12, 2009, my husband almost died. And probably would have if I had not done something unusual.
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Rick and I have been playing World of Warcraft lately and Saturday was a day off work for him, so we had a playing marathon till late in the evening. The day was nice, we played a lot, got a lot of questing done in the game, and suddenly he said he didn't feel very good and wanted to quit and lay down. 


As is always the case when he doesn't feel good, I ask him what's wrong and he tells me he doesn't know. I get pretty frustrated with that because... how can you NOT know what you feel like? Does your head hurt?  Are you sick to your stomach? Do you feel like you have a fever? This is something that we do all the time. I ask and he says "I don't know."


Normally, I tell him it's ok for him to lie down. I stay at my pc and continue to do whatever. He goes and lies down and in anywhere from 5 mins to 3 hours, he's back feeling better. 


For some reason, and I don't think it was anything psychic... I just wanted to let him know I was with him... I said that I would go lay down with him. We didn't need to talk he didn't need to entertain me... just lay there.


It was beautiful in the room... cool air coming from the window and from the fan at the foot of the bed wafted over me and it was so quiet and calming. I would say we lay there anywhere from 30 to 45 mins before he sat up. I believe I asked if he were ok and I think he said yes. Then he lay back down with his head at the foot of the bed...which didn't seem odd to me because he likes to do that sometimes to feel the fan hitting him. 


After about 10 mins or he made a little sound so I asked him again if he were ok and he said he didn't know. I asked him why he didn't know. He said he didn't know. I asked if he was sweating. He said he didn't know. 


I sat up and leaned over to feel the top of his head and he wasn't really sweating...the top of his head only had a tiny bit of moisture on it but I thought maybe it was just the warmth in the room. 


I laid back and tried asking him what he felt was wrong and he, again, told me he didn't know. I don't know why I asked again if he were sweating and he raised his hand and touched his head, then said "I don't know". I reached for him again and his head was slick with profuse sweat. 


At that moment I knew what was wrong. I told him I would be right back with some cheese. We have a small fridge in the office upstairs where I keep bottled water and small snacks. I ran to the office and got his cheddar cheese and cut off a few pieces, got his soda glass from the fridge and went back to the bedroom. It was probably 1 to 1 min and 30 seconds at the most. I really couldn't time it.


In that time, he had sat up. I got to him and realized he was shaking.   His eyes were open and he seemed to be reacting to me, then I realized he wasn't shaking... he was having a seizure. I was so afraid he would fall to the floor (which would have really been difficult to deal with because it was only about a 2 to 3 foot space so I told him to lie down. Again, he sort of responded and I gently pushed on his shoulder to guide him back. After a couple of pieces of cheese I had to have him sit back up to give him something to drink.


I stood there and put pieces of cheese in his mouth and held the soda cup for him. He ate and drank and eventually stopped seizing. And several minutes later he started to be able to talk to me in a way that let me know he comprehended. 


The bed was drenched with sweat and he was very tired and weak. All he wanted to do was sleep. I made him eat more cheese and drink a little more soda until he said he knew he felt better before I let him lay down and go to sleep.


It's called Reactive Hypoglycemia. By the time he said he was feeling better, I managed to go and get his glucometer and took his blood sugar.  It was up to 70 by then. This is fairly normal. I don't know what it was when he was seizing. There was no time to worry about taking it at that time. 


He doesn't remember what happened from the time he laid his head at the foot of the bed till he became aware he was sitting up and I was stuffing cheese in his mouth.


If I hadn't gone to lay down with him that night - just stayed at my pc and said "Ok honey. I'll be here when you get up." I wouldn't have known anything was wrong till I went in to go to bed. I would have found him dead. The blood sugar doesn't go back up on its own. He would have continued to seize, go into a coma and his heart would have eventually stopped. 


I'm not a hero as he would probably tell you if he were writing this. 

I'm to blame for what happened. Not by myself. He's to blame, too.


You see, Rick and I are both enablers. We enable each other to continue in our bad habits, no matter what. He does it because he loves me and only wants me to be happy. I do it because if he continues a bad behavior, I can too. (I'm the selfish one)


Reactive Hypoglycemia doesn't have a "treatment" or a medication to stop it from happening. It's "reactive". Both of us have had gastric by-pass surgery and have had all the information given to us that we need to lose the weight and keep it off in a healthy manner but we have slid back into old habits. We've both had these episodes before. He's had some worse than I have but this was by far the worst one he's had. He has seen the doctor about the episodes and that's why we know it is reactive hypoglycemia.


And I suppose this is the one that has brought home to me how truly dangerous it can be. He was having a seizure. I was || close to calling the paramedics but I needed to get food in him first. That was first and foremost and I knew that at the time. If that had stopped being something I could accomplish, I would have called them. If I had stopped before I did, he might have been dead before they got there - or at least in a coma.


We need to start taking better care of ourselves instead of doing what's easy. We HAVE to start eating more regularly. We need to be eating in about 3 hour increments instead of going for many hours and then eating something that's fast and easy without thinking.


It's difficult because we have different time schedules. But that's only an excuse. And he needs to be more proactive just as much as I do. I had that surgery and have gained about two-thirds of the weight back. He's lost about 170 pounds and has suffered greatly for it. He's on more medications now than he was before the surgery. The only thing (though this is no small accomplishment) is that he no longer has diabetes and his heart condition is under control.  


These are WONDERFUL things, of course, but we've "robbed Peter to pay Paul", so to speak. Things need to change majorly, and the changes need to start with us. And we need to do it together.

Dream analysis, anyone?
Tori Spark

So anyone that’s known me for a while, or followed me on my journals, knows that my mother died back in 2003 and it was pretty devastating for me. As, of course, it is for anyone. Since then, sometimes I’ll have a dream about her or both my parents that are rather disturbing. These are usually about feeling that my parents were angry at me or didn’t like me. I would come out of the dreams feeling persecuted. I didn’t enjoy these dreams, but I brushed them off because they didn’t happen often.

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This August, my father will turn 86. He has always been a very healthy and strong man and even though he’s had a few health problems in the last few years, such as the coronary by-pass a few years ago and the hip fracture and pacemaker placement last year, he’s always bounced back incredibly fast. Even into his 70’s he was doing bike marathons, cross-country skiing and hiking in the Yosemite mountains.


Up until he broke his hip, he was walking 3 miles every day for exercise. Now, he can rarely do that. His health is starting to fail and he’s finally said that it’s time for him to get the house ready for sale and he will either move into an apartment or an assisted living facility. For myself, I fear that this might be his last year. Thank goddess that I’ve never been psychic!


With that all being said… My dreams have started to multiply like crazy. At night, when I go to bed, I take an Ambien to help me sleep. Wonderful thing about Ambien is that you don’t remember if you dream. I like that because most of my dreams are ones that make me feel like crap. But if I sleep longer than the Ambien lasts, or if I take a nap, when I don’t use the Ambien, I will have one of these dreams. It’s becoming a NEARLY every day occurrence.


I can’t really give you exact details of every dream I have been having, but I can tell you that, even though the story of the dreams change, they are all following a formula that remains the same.


  1. My mother has been “gone” for a long time (the idea of death isn’t part of the dream)
  2. Suddenly, my mom is back, but seems “fragile” and that she might go away at any moment.
  3. I realize that my mom is getting ready to disappear again and that my father is going to help her, or, I am trying to speak to her, or spend time with her but my father is blocking me for some reason.
  4. My anger against my dad is palpable as well as my fear of losing my mom again and my desperation to keep her near.
  5. My mom doesn’t seem to understand my need for her to stay.


I’ve thought about the fact that I worry that I’m getting close to losing my father but that surely doesn’t seem to explain these dreams to me. Why wouldn’t I just dream about losing HIM and that worry?  How does my mother factor in if this is the reason for the dreams?


My father and I have had a very rocky relationship all my life, up until my mom died. At that point, I realized what I had in him and forgave him all the things that I'd held onto in anger throughout my life. And I really did forgive him. All that old anger is over. I know he wasn’t perfect but I know he did what he felt was right and when he failed at being “perfect” it was because he was human and a product of his own history, much as I am.


As I write this, however, I wonder… Could these dreams be telling me that I feel a need for HIS forgiveness? I wasn’t the perfect daughter by ANY means, and honestly, I feel as if I’m the least desirable progeny of his three children.


Wow… I think I might have hit on it…  I don't know...    Anyone have any thoughts?

Pity much?
Tori Spark
Ok so maybe complete honesty isn't really the way to go.  I'm feeling better today and figure it just looks like I'm whining, so ppfftt. 

Well, here it is...
Tori Spark
For a while now, i've not been consistent writing in my blog.  Even my Xanga has fallen by the wayside.  I'm only going to write a little here now because it is 5:15 in the morning and people are leaving for work.  I'm not.  I haven't been to bed yet.  It's the Mystery of My Life.  Ever since I've been a little girl I've been a nightowl.  I can sure take a great nap during the daytime, though.

Ah, I digress...  here's the bare nuggets:

I never log out of my LJ so that when I go into it, it's always there and ready for me to look at.  When I created the account, I had to give them something different than my normal pw.  Now, my pc is on the fritz and I can't get into my LJ account.  But you say, "Janea, why not just hit that "lost your password?" button? 

Because my email they have isn't updated and that old email no longer exists. :/

Oh well, a new one won't harm anyone and besides, I decided to be "clever" and name it Elfinmoon, too so it would (hopefully) be easy to find.  There aren't a large amount of people out there that will notice it either way.

Well, now that I've managed to type a few words anyway, I think it's time I let me sleepy pill take me to bed.  I miss everyone and try to do better about keeping this more updated.


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